


This is Love?

by 852_Prospect_Archivist



Category: The Sentinel
Genre: Angst, Drama, Episode Related: brotherskeeper, M/M, Series: Songs that Answer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-10
Updated: 2013-05-10
Packaged: 2017-12-11 04:43:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/794078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/852_Prospect_Archivist/pseuds/852_Prospect_Archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Blair is in love, but Jim can't deal. Not a direct sequel to the other stories.<br/>This story is a sequel to Loving You.</p>
            </blockquote>





	This is Love?

**Author's Note:**

> I'd like to thank Yvonne McCool and Sandy (sorry Sandy, I don't remember your last name right now) for beta reading this. They're saints in my book for having the patience to sit through copious rewrites.

## This is Love?

by Brandy

Author's webpage: <http://www.geocities.com/TelevisionCity/4053>

Author's disclaimer: I do not own these characters (except for those who do not appear on the show), and I've done my best not to get them too dirty. I will return them after drycleaning them.

* * *

Watching Jim get the Cop of the Year award was .... It's hard to explain how proud I felt of him even to myself. And I was proud of me. If I had really been holding him back, he wouldn't be receiving this award. And seeing him in a tux was worth his anger at being tricked into coming to the ceremony. 

Meeting Jim's brother was a shock. I recognized him. I had seen him in The Sanctuary and in Boneshakers too often not to recognize him, and by the way he discretely didn't talk to me seemed to indicate he recognized me as well. 

I didn't go out clubbing often, but he had always stood out. I guess because he had reminded me of someone, and I couldn't put my finger on who it was. He really doesn't favor Jim except for his body language, but Steven wasn't exactly someone I would forget anyway--he was a fabulous dancer and very handsome. The word at the club was that he wasn't looking for a one nighter, but a lover. 

I decided to lag behind the rest of the guys, and so did he. After they went into the barn with Little Stogie, Steven turned toward me. 

"So is he ..." Steven said as he raised his eyebrows. 

I laughed as quietly as I could. "No, he isn't." 

"Does he know?" Steven asked quietly. 

I smiled. "No, I haven't told him, and I'm pretty careful. He doesn't know about you." It wasn't a question. 

He smiled ironically and asked, "What do you think?" We both laughed then. It's amazing how many terms were shared among the "brotherhood." 

"Your cover?" I asked with a grin. 

"Workaholic. Yours?" 

"Lady-killer," I said, laughing. "I can swing both ways when I need to relieve some of the tension, you know?" 

"Do you want to get together sometime? Maybe go to the club together," Steven said. His voice sounded hopeful. 

It was dangerous, but sometimes I have to agree with Robin Williams. He said that sometimes you have to go out of your way to get into trouble; it's called having fun. 

"Sure." 

* * *

Poker games. The last bastion of testosterone in the galaxy. Generally, I endeavor to be out on the nights that Jim hosts the weekly poker game-- tonight was no exception--not because I can't win, but because I can't lose. I learned a lot of dirty tricks at my mother's boyfriends' knees. Card sharking was just one of them. 

But Steven was picking me up, because my car was in the shop _again._ I hate this car. It's just _not_ the Corvair. The Corvair .... Ah, but I digress. What should I wear for this date? 

Is it even a date? Hmmm. Blue silk, green velvet, or white Henley? It could be a date. He did ask if I wanted to go to the club with him. But now it feels like more... Ah hah! White silk! 

We decided to go to a movie, _The Volcano_ specifically. Only because we both wanted to go see it, and because we didn't want to go alone. We agreed that two guys dressed for the club would draw attention, but we decided to go anyway. Now, let's see. Loose, close fit, fitted, or faded paint on? 

Close fit will do, I think. Don't want to seem too eager. Eager for what? Remember this is _Jim's_ brother who is taking you out. Having sex with him is like Jim having sex with Naomi--wrong. 

Or was I just jealous? I suppose it could be both. Ten 'til eight, and I just have to find this--yes, my amethyst earring. If they're going to call me a bit of lavender, then I'm going to damn well wear it. 

Up or down? Do I want to look wanton with curls flying about, or do I want to look serious? Down. If this doesn't turn out to be a date, I want to go home with someone. 

How many times do you have to tell yourself? THIS IS NOT A DATE!!! Sure it's not. That's why I dressed up, because it's not a DATE! Well, too late to change now, the door bell is ringing. 

"Hey, Steven, you're on time." 

"Hey, Jim, I see you got yourself a little poker game going." 

"Steven, why don't you join us? Better than watching Blair put the moves on the ladies." 

"No, thanks, Simon. I'm going to get some of the brush offs tonight. Have him soften them up, then swoop in for the kill." 

"Good plan, little brother. There will probably be a lot of them." I could hear Jim opening another bag of potato chips and pouring them into a bowl. It was comforting to know he would drop the empty bag into the trash on the way to the table--Jim was dependably anal. 

I walked out patting my pockets. I muttered, "Black book, black book...." over and over as I looked around the loft. I was almost afraid to let my eyes rest too long on Steven. Even so, I could see the reaction in Steven's eyes. He thought I looked good. 

I thought he looked good, too. I studied him from the corner of my eye as I searched my bookbag for the little black book I carry with all my girlfriends' numbers. The starred ones are just friends, the best of friends, actually, and there are more starred than unstarred entries. What a surprise. I keep the real black book taped to the underside of my desk in my room for obvious reasons. 

Even now, I was trying to control my heart rate. The last thing I needed was Jim wondering why I seemed so excited by Steven giving me a ride. 

He's wearing tan slacks and a slate gray Polo shirt. With the light behind him, his hair creates this sort of halo effect. He's beautiful. But not as beautiful as Jim would be in a similar combination, a soft voice in the back of my mind whispered before I could gag it. Sometimes I really wonder what is wrong with me at times like this, but I can't afford to get upset right now. Jim would notice. 

"Found it," I said with a sigh and slipped it in my pocket. I walked over and grabbed my leather jacket; the black one, to set off my shirt. 

"Ready?" he asked with a smile. 

"Sure," I said, grinning. Maybe this is a date after all. I motioned Steven to leave before me and risked a glance over my shoulder as I said good-bye. Jim was staring at me with this faintly annoyed look. As I went down the stairs, I wondered about that, but Steven quickly took my mind off of Jim, at least for a little while. 

* * *

He's actually walking me to my door. Old fashioned in a cute sort of way. His hair is a little mussed, and he smells sweaty, but it's a good kind of sweaty. A "lick you from head to toe, don't you taste good" kind of sweaty. 

"I had a great time tonight, Blair," he said softly. 

I smile. It was a good time. We did the dinner and a movie then danced until the bar closed. It had felt good to go with someone. "I had a good time, too. Do you want to maybe get some lunch sometime this week?" 

God, that smile. It was like a beacon. It was so like Jim's smile. Whoa, back off. Remember who you're with. 

"I'd like that. Let me check my schedule on Monday, and we'll set a day for later in the week," he said softly as he leaned forward. 

I look at him for a second, then leaned toward him and brushed my lips against his. It wasn't really a kiss, but it sent tingles down my spine. 

"Sounds cool to me. I'll see you later then," I whispered as I turned to unlock the door. 

"See you, later, Bugs," Steven said as he turned to leave. 

I laughed softly as I crossed the living room. Bugs. I don't think I've ever been with anyone who has given me a nickname. I was still smiling as I undressed and fell into bed naked. 

But my dreams that night were filled with visions of Jim, nude and aroused. My dreams quickly changed to nightmares as Jim watched impassively as Steven help me pack up my things. I woke up sweating. That sort of thing was the last thing I wanted. 

I decided as I took a shower that morning that Steven was absolutely, positively off limits. I couldn't get with him, because it was too close to home, too much like cheating on Jim. 

* * *

"Hey, Bugs, you ready for lunch?" Steven said as he stopped beside the Jim's desk. 

"Yeah, I guess so. It's probably wiser to cut out now, than wait for your brother to come out of Simon's office," I said as I glanced through the windows. "By the looks of it, I don't think he's getting good news." 

Steven laughed and said, "Well come on then. I'll save you from my big bear of a brother." 

I laughed uneasily with him and then quickly packed my backpack. We were out of the station before Jim even noticed I was gone. In a way, it made me feel bad. It was almost like I was an extension of Jim, but one that could be ignored when not in use. 

It wasn't a very happy realization. However, by the time we got to this little out of the way cafe I picked, Steven had managed to cheer me up. 

We talked about a lot of things. Politics were a bit of a touchy subject even for us. Steven is a conservative Democrat, and I am a conservative Libertarian when I'm anything at all. 

However, we did agree on universal health care and housing. While Steven has never lived in government housing, he has gone through periods of having no health insurance. We also agreed on the ways our tax money shouldn't be spent. 

But, of course, the subject of Jim Ellison came up. 

"Do you think he would hit the roof, if he finds out I'm gay?" Steven asked with a grimace on his face. 

"I don't know, Steven. He seems pretty open minded." I hope, I thought to myself as I continued. "I just haven't told him because it wouldn't look right. If I had told him when I moved in that I'm gay, it would have been different. Now, it would look like I'm trying to put the move on him, you know," I said as I stared into my coffee cup. Maybe all the answers were there in the bottom. "I know I'll have to come out eventually." 

"I can see that, but I could come out without outing you. Do you think he would accept me?" Steven asked. He had this beseeching look on his face. Like I could give him the answer he wanted. 

"I _think_ he would, but he may need time to accept the idea of his little brother being gay," I answered neutrally. "Is there some reason for this urgency?" Please don't be positive. Please, not after I met you, and I think you and I could be good friends. Please, don't do that to me. 

"No, I'm negative." It was another sign of how close our "brotherhood" was these days. Certain words and phrases are recognized instantly. "I just want to open up to him. I want him to know who I am now." Steven sighed then and said, "After waiting fifteen years to talk to him about what happened so long ago, I want to be totally honest with him." 

"Well, why don't you invite him to dinner and bring the discussion around to gay rights. See what he says." It seemed like an excellent suggestion at the time. 

* * *

I glanced at the clock. Midnight. There's no way Jim Ellison would stay out so late on a weekday night unless there was some reason, usually work related, for doing so. I almost jumped when I heard the key in the door. 

I furtively watched from around the book I had been trying to read as Jim took off his coat and made his way to the kitchen and got a beer. He came into living room and sat on the other end of the couch. 

"Can I ask you a question?" he asked quietly, thoughtfully. 

Oh, shit. Damn it, Steven, I thought you weren't going to out me! "Sure, big guy," I said as I calmly put my book aside. Inside, my stomach was trying to contain the pterodactyls that suddenly decided to take up residence. 

"Do you think I'm narrow minded?" Jim asked as he put his bottle on the table. 

"Uh, only about some things," I said slowly. 

"Steven told me I was narrow minded, because I didn't think that gays should be allowed in the military." He looked worried. He obviously wanted to make a good impression on Steven and felt he hadn't. 

I felt for him. While he obviously wanted to be closer to Steven, he had defended his own opinions. It must have been a hard conversation for him. While I felt like defending him, I knew I had to stand up for myself. 

"Well, you are narrow minded about that," I said firmly, but reluctantly. I had a lot riding on the way this conversation would play out. 

"So you think they should be," he asked without looking at me. 

"I think that one's sexual orientation doesn't make one unsuitable for any job, Jim," I said with a smile. 

"I know, but the morale would go down. No man is going to want to shower with a queer, Blair," Jim said loudly. The expression on his face was stubborn and unyielding. 

Inside I cringed. I hated to be called queer. The word's connotation said that there was something wrong with who I was because of being gay. "Jim, I have a some gay friends, and yes, a few have come on to me. But most of them aren't going to come on to a guy they know is straight," but they might make an exception for you, I finished silently. "The problem most straight guys have is that they believe that every gay guy is going to come onto them. They don't seem to realize that some gay men aren't going to find them attractive." 

"I know, but if I had known that some gay guy is living in the same barracks as I, it would have made me uncomfortable. Like maybe he's looking at me and thinking about me in a ... a ..., well you know--that way," Jim said with a blush. 

If you only knew, Jim. I don't have a peep hole in the shower, but your lack of modesty makes that unnecessary. Sometimes I think that you're teasing me deliberately. I could feel my hands getting sweaty as some of those images of near-naked perfection flitted through my mind. Calm down, I told myself as I asked, "Jim, you look at women, don't you? Undress them with your eyes? How is that any different?" My smile widened into a grin as he sat back, obviously miffed. 

"When you put it that way, there is none, but it still makes me uncomfortable." 

"Jim, they didn't desegregate the army until a little over forty years ago. You're saying the same things they did when they pushed that through," I said as I stood and stretched. Hopefully, Jim would see it as a casual ending of this conversation. 

Jim winced. "I never looked at it like that." 

"It's all right, big guy. Now, go on to bed. You have work tomorrow, and it's already after midnight," I said as I made for my bedroom. I knew I was running, but it seemed prudent. How much longer could I argue with him without bringing my own sexuality into it? 

I heard him sigh before I closed my bedroom door. Sleep was a long time in coming as I berated myself for the millionth time for my cowardice. I knew I would never tell him unless I had to. 

I turned over onto my back and contemplated the world I was living in. Even if Jim was gay, we wouldn't be able to come out of the closet. Life for a gay cop could end suddenly because of late back up or being caught in a "friendly" cross fire. I couldn't come out to him because I could see he wasn't real comfortable with the possibility of even living with a gay man in a barracks. I was caught between a rock and a heartache. There were no choices. Just life as usual. 

* * *

"Hey, Blair, are you and Steven going clubbing tonight?" Jim asked from the kitchen he put beer mugs in the refrigerator to chill. 

"No," I said with a sigh as I tried to finish grading some essays. I wanted to get them done so I would have the rest of the weekend to relax. "He's out of town." 

"Well, why don't you play poker with us tonight?" Jim yelled from the living room. He was arranging magazines on the coffee table. Sometimes I wonder about Jim. I doubt that Joel or Ryf or any of the other guys cares if his magazines overlap each other evenly and are sorted alphabetically. 

I thought about it for a minute. Why not? I could use the extra money, and I did have all weekend. "Sure, Jim. That'd be cool," I said as I put everything up and left my room to help him clean up--or as I would call it, arrange things even more anally. 

* * *

"O.K. gentlemen, I think this is going to be my last hand. Deuces and suicide kings are wild," I said with a grin from behind my pile of money as I dealt the cards. 

"What in hell is a 'suicide king?'" Joel asked as he watched me deal. 

I took pity on him and dealt him an ace from the middle of the deck. "It's a king with a sword through his head, Joel," I said with a smile. 

They all picked up their cards and groaned. Ryf and Brown folded immediately. Joel smiled, of course. Jim and Simon exchanged a look. I had a small straight. I decided just to stand on that. It would probably psyche out Jim and Joel. 

Joel asked for two cards, and Simon asked for three. Jim folded with a sigh after asking for and receiving one card. 

"Can you tell me why I asked you to play poker with us?" Jim asked me with a grimace. 

He had been a pretty good loser, and I had dealt him a few winning hands to smooth the blow and to show I wasn't cheating. And I hadn't wanted him to lose too badly. Because you love him, that damn little voice whispered before I could gag it and throw it in a dark little corner of my subconscious. 

"Because Elmer is out of town," I said distractedly. 

"What's up with the nicknames, Sandburg?" Simon asked as he nonchalantly met and raised thirty bucks. 

"Well, after that first night we went clubbing, he said that I was like Bugs Bunny, Simon. I had told him a few of the cases I had worked on and the messes I had gotten into. He said that I was like Bugs, because my obfuscations are like Bugs' high jinks. I didn't get it all," I paused for a minute to raise fifty dollars, "because we were both pretty wasted. But I call him Elmer because he's the straight man for all my jokes," I said as Joel and Simon folded. 

They all groaned when I showed them my hand. I gathered up my winnings and went into my bedroom to count them. I wasn't stupid by a long shot. First, I hadn't taken too much off Jim. Second, I had learned after they took my predictions at the track to never crow about how much I won. I justified the cheating by remembering how much money they won because of me that day at the racetrack. This was just enough to cover that and cover most of this month's groceries. 

Paybacks are a bitch, guys, I thought as I counted out my winnings. 

* * *

I threw my book across the room. There was no way I was going to be able to concentrate on it. Jim was going out of town on a seminar. He was supposed to be gone for three days. Three days. 

I knew I would miss him. Sometimes I missed him if we only spent a few hours a day together. If that little voice was right, I was in love with him. That was a very scary thing. I didn't do serious relationships well, especially if love is involved. 

And I was afraid. It seemed like every one who I had ever said I love you to had jetted out of my life. Maya, Sean, Molly, and even my mom to some extent had left me behind when something or someone better came along. Maybe it was just as well that nothing was likely to happen with Jim. To have him, then lose him because I couldn't commit would kill me. 

No matter what happened with Jim, I think Steven would be my friend. After all he knew where I was coming from. He was on the verge of coming out to Jim, and while I knew he wouldn't out me, I still felt like he would need my support, and I would need to show that support by coming out too. Besides, it was long past the time when I should have told Jim. 

And was telling Jim that I was bisexual with a thing for men a bad thing? If Jim and I were ever going to get together, I would have to. It was that simple. Oh gods, this was getting complicated. Coming out; trying to figure out what I feel towards Jim; what Jim's going to feel about _me_... I laughed a little at myself; no need to watch daytime TV with my personal melodrama unfolding. If worst came to worst and Jim actually kicked me out, I could find somewhere to stay, but I doubt he would do it. Jim needed me. It was as simple as that, but Jim might still kick me out because he would feel uncomfortable with me being there. 

* * *

I decided to ask Steven over to discuss coming out to Jim. I had started thinking that I should come out to him first--sort of test the waters as it were. I surveyed the apartment. It was spotless. I don't think I've ever cleaned like this before, but I've seen Steven's apartment, and he's almost as bad as Jim. 

The calzones would be ready on time, and the salad was already made. The salad dressing was chilling and should be ready before Steven got here. Now, I had ten minutes to finish getting dressed and too much time to think. 

Should I wait for Jim? I hadn't wanted another guy since I met him. Did I want to wait for him to suddenly realize that he might be bi, and did I really know that, or was it just wishful thinking? I pondered the question as I ran a brush through my hair one last time. As the door bell rang, I decided that it was futile to wait for him. He would probably be as straight as an arrow for the rest of his life. And that would be all right, I decided as I opened the door and let Steven in, I would always be his friend, but I could only be his friend with all the cards out on the table sans the "I love you" part. 

I let Steven into the apartment, and we started dinner. 

* * *

Jim came home that Saturday afternoon full of news about the seminars he had attended and the women who had been there. I finally called Steven and went out to the club. Listening to Jim enthuse about time spent away from me was tearing me apart. 

Dancing had always been a release for me, and tonight was no exception. I could forget about just anything when the music throbbed, and the bass was vibrating through my body. I just danced, and I didn't care who with. I just had to at least try and forget for a while. 

I left the club with a friend-a previously "very good" friend-and left Steven at the club. I sat in Justin's car and stared up at the loft. The lights were on. What was Jim doing up so late? 

"What's the matter?" Justin asked as he turned toward me. 

"Jim's up. That makes me a little nervous. He's usually in bed by 2 am on the weekends," I said with a sigh. I smiled as I felt Justin put an arm around my shoulders. It felt good to just be touched. 

"You could stay out here for a while," he said softly. Then he licked my earlobe and whispered, "With me." 

I shivered and turned toward him. He smiled at me then kissed me. After that things got a little fuzzy. I knew that we were in the open, but it was dark, and after Justin started kissing my neck, I really didn't care anyway. Justin still knew all the right spots to make me melt. 

Soon, we had to come up for air or go somewhere and make love. I was hesitant about that because I knew Jim would be able to smell a man on me. Justin could tell I was hesitant, so he didn't push. Hazily, the thought that Jim wouldn't push me either drifted through my brain and quickly scrubbed the sensual fog from my brain. 

I found an excuse to leave. That's the way I usually ended my evenings with men these days. It was one of reason I had kept exclusively to women for such a long time. As I got out of the car, I realized that I might always compare other men to Jim. The thought seemed to pour ice water on my erection. 

I climbed the stairs and unlocked the door. Jim was sitting at the kitchen table. He was staring at me. 

"Hey, big guy, what are you doing up so late?" I asked nervously. 

"I couldn't sleep," he said slowly. He sighed, took a deep breath, and said, "When were you going to tell me you were bi? That you had a gay lover?" 

I just stopped. My heart stopped, my breathing stopped, and I didn't know whether or not my life was fixing to stop, but I backed up toward the door. When Jim didn't get up, I slowly made my way toward the table. 

"We're not lovers," I said as I sat down. 

"Blair, don't lie. I heard you making out in his car," Jim said as he rubbed his face tiredly. 

"Jim, listen to me. I know you can't tell by my heart beat right now, but look at me," I said slowly and firmly. "I was with a guy named Justin. A long time ago, we were dating, but not anymore. It was more of a..." I shrugged my shoulders. "It was a 'maybe we could get back together' thing." 

Jim shook his head and ran his hands over his head and looked at me. He looked confused, and hurt? "Then you two were saying goodbye? Just making out in public." 

"Jim, we dated for a while. After that, we realized that we weren't compatible," I said softly. 

"Why didn't you just tell me you were bi?" Jim asked as he got up from the table. Now he looked upset. And maybe disappointed, then that stone wall fell over his face, and I couldn't tell what he was feeling anymore. 

"First of all, I prefer guys. And second, I didn't think you would be very accepting, and to tell you after I moved in would look like a come on. I didn't want those kind of suspicions between us," I said as I followed him across the room with my eyes. 

"I need to think this over, Blair. I need to get used to this. This is ... this is very unsettling," Jim said. 

With that he went to bed without a word. He moved stiffly. I suspected that he must be very tired, and more than a little hurt. I hurt him because I hadn't trusted him enough. 

I went to bed. Tomorrow was Sunday. I would go talk to Steven tomorrow. I didn't know what I was going to tell him, but I was pretty sure I was to tell him to wait before coming out to Jim. Behind the confusion, I thought I saw hurt in Jim's eyes, but I still didn't know just how accepting of me Jim really was. He was still thinking. 

It was a long time before I went to sleep. Adrenaline was rushing through my system, and my mind was trying to map out what I would say tomorrow. Eventually, the adrenaline rush crashed, and I slept. 

* * *

"So he just said that he had to get used to this," Steven said slowly. 

"Yes, that's what he said," I said as I leaned back on his couch and sighed. 

"No yelling or anything like that?" Steven said with wonder. 

"No yelling. He was pretty calm about it," I said quietly. 

"Whew, that's a load off of my mind," Steven said as he settled on the couch next to me. He handed me a glass of wine and took a sip from his. "But you still don't think I should tell him about me." 

"No, like I said. He found it all real unsettling. I think he felt hurt because I hadn't trusted him enough to tell him to begin with." 

I gulped my wine like it was water. I was still a little shaky. It was ridiculous, but I still felt as though the world could end for me at any minute. Jim's words kept replaying in my head. He had said it was unsettling. What did that mean? Had I hurt him in some way? Somehow I suspected I had, but I didn't know whether it was because of my lack of trust or because I was with Steven. 

Did he want me and Steven to stop being friends? Did he just find the thought of Steven gay unsettling? What had he meant? Should I even be trying to read between the lines? But I've always found Jim to be a pretty straightforward guy. 

"Steven, I have to tell you something. I have to tell someone or explode," I said slowly. 

"You're in love with Jim," he said softly. 

I froze. "How did you know?" I asked just as softly. 

"The way you act. You take care of him. You cook for him, you watch his diet, and you're always there by his side no matter how dangerous the case," Steven said with a small smile. He put his arm around my shoulder. 

"I know that he doesn't love me and will probably never love me the way I want. I know that he isn't really interested in my life outside of the station and helping him. I know that it's stupid and futile. But my heart keeps telling me that some things just are stupid and futile," I said. I sat down in an armchair and dropped my head into my hands. I felt confused. My emotions were all mixed up. However, I wasn't worried, despite Steven figuring it out so easily, that Jim will be able to as well. If Jim hadn't figured it out before now, he never would. 

"Blair, I'm your friend," Steven said as he hugged me close. "I'll always be here for you." 

I sobbed a little. There weren't really any tears, but this feeling of being grateful to him for understanding what was going on in my head just made me want to cry. 

"It's going to be all right, Blair," he said softly. After I finished crying, he said, "I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but I think you should move into your own place. As long as you stay with him, you're never going to get over him." 

"I can't. There are things going on that you don't know about--that only Jim has the right to tell you about. I can't leave him while he needs me," I said quietly. 

"Does this have anything to do with how he knew the racetrack was about to collapse?" Steven asked softly. 

"Yes. If you were to ask him about it, he might tell you," I said then stood up, "then again he might not, but it's not for me to tell. I have to go. I have some research to do." 

"All right. Listen, Blair, if you ever need someone to talk to or go to the club with, call me. I want to help you. You're my friend," he said with a "puppy dog" face. It was a lot like Jim's begging face. 

I shook my head a little and smiled. "Thanks, Steven, let's get together for lunch during the week." 

"Our usual day?" 

"Yeah, that'll be fine. Thanks, Steven," I added softly. 

"Take care of yourself," he answered just as softly as he opened the door. 

I went out to my car, but I decided that I couldn't go to the loft just yet. It was pretty nice day for Cascade, so I decided to head over to the park that Jim and I always go to when we want to get a hot dog and talk over a case. 

* * *

I sat down on our usual park bench and stared up at the sky. It was beginning to cloud over, but the weather forecaster said that it wouldn't rain until late in the evening. As I stared up at the clouds, I tried to distract myself by imagining that the clouds were actual objects. 

The game had amused me for hours as a child. How I wished I could go back. To simpler times when getting deeply involved with others wasn't possible, and the people I did get involved with understood that one day soon Naomi and I would be moving on. It hadn't prepared me for real life, but it had been fun. 

But now I'm ready to settle down. The only problem was I wanted to settle down with Jim. And that wasn't possible. Even as I told myself that, I knew I would be waiting for it to be possible. 

I sighed and closed my eyes. Then out of nowhere a familiar voice growled at me from behind. 

"In love with me? How could you even say that?" 

My eyes sprang open, and I stared up at Jim. "Jim, what are you talking about?" I said as I scrambled to get up. A hand forcefully pulled me back onto our bench. 

"I went over to talk to Steven, but I noticed your car out in front of his house. I heard everything you said," Jim said angrily. His eyes were stormy, and the look on his face would have made me afraid of him if I didn't know him better. "How dare you even say the word love?" 

"How dare I?" I parotted faintly. "I am in love with you." It was amazing how much better I felt now. A weight had been lifted, but the look on his face quickly brought it back down on me. His eyes were hard and cold, and his face was grim. Anger flowed away from him like waves. 

"Really? You haven't exactly been acting like a man in love," Jim said as he leaned into me. "You eventually fuck everything on two legs, so what were you going to do? See how well Steven fucked and somehow decide if I were as good or better?" 

The words slammed into me, and the only thing I can say about what happened next is that anger and hurt will make a person do weird things. Because I sucker punched him. His head snapped back, and he fell back against the bench. I looked down at my hand to see blood on my knuckles. It was the first time in my life that I had ever hit anyone in anger. I think I was more shocked than he was. I couldn't believe I had done such a thing, and I knew I had to get out of there before he got over the shock of it, or we would definitely end up in a fight. 

I stood, stared down at him, and said, "I would never do that to ANYONE, and that you EVEN THINK that I would do something like that shows JUST how little you know me. Why I'm surprised I don't know. You never pay attention to my life outside of ... of helping you. You don't know me at all, do you?" I stared at him as the blood dripped from a cut on his cheek. The dazed look on Jim's face was starting to clear, and I could see anger gathering like storm clouds in his eyes. I took a deep breath and tried to calm down. "You think you can scare me away, well, listen up. If you want me out of your life, fine, but not before we talk. I'm going back to the loft to cool down. I'll talk to you later." 

I don't really remember getting back to the loft, and the tears didn't start until I was back. I packed a bag just in case he threw me out when he got back. 

I waited for a long time, but he never came back. I eventually dropped off to sleep to be tormented by nightmares of Jim packing my stuff. 

All in all, it was a shitty day. 

* * *

I was supposed to meet Jim at the station at noon on Mondays. This was a regular part of our schedule, but I was late, and I had forgotten my cell phone, again. Traffic was backed up for blocks because of some accident. All I could do was watch the clock and count down the blocks to the station. 

12:00--fifteen blocks.... God, don't let him make a scene in front of everyone in the bullpen. 

12:03--thirteen blocks.... Would he even be there? Maybe he left early to avoid me. 

12:05--twelve blocks.... Would he just ignore everything that's happened between us? 

12:10--eleven blocks.... Please, don't let Jim take me being late as a sign of rejection or something like that. 

Finally traffic began to move again. I got to the station at about half past twelve. I raced up the stairs instead of waiting for an elevator and arrived at Major Crimes at 12:45. I quickly surveyed the bull pen. 

Most of the detectives were out to lunch, so I noticed right away that Jim wasn't at his desk. I walked over to it and put my stuff down. As far as I could tell, Jim hadn't been in at all. Was he just avoiding me? I noticed that Simon was working through his lunch, and as much as I hated to interrupt Simon and annoy him even more, I had to know if Jim had been in at all. 

"Come in," he barked. I cringed a little bit and entered the room. 

"Hey, Captain, I was supposed to meet Jim here today. Has he gone to lunch or what?" I asked with a apologetic smile. 

"He took a personal day, Sandburg. He won't be in," Simon said with a growl. "Said he had some important stuff to take care of." 

"Did he say where he would be?" I asked nervously. 

"Actually, I was about to ask that question myself. I had assumed that you would be with him," Simon said as he pinned me to the floor with his eyes. 

"I've been researching this paper, and I haven't really been home for the last two days," I tried to lie smoothly. "Anyway, I'll check around and see if I can find him." 

"Good. He's got paperwork to finish," Simon said as he turned back to the work on his desk. 

* * *

I went home with fear in my heart. What if Jim's packed all my stuff and wants me to move out? I resolved that I would not leave until we talked. 

His truck wasn't in its usual parking space. I guiltily breathed a sigh of relief and went up to the loft. After checking the answering machine and finding no messages, I sat down and tried to come up with where Jim was. 

The loft was his sanctuary, but he wasn't here. I doubted that he was in the gym, and Jim would never drink this early in the day. Other than that, I couldn't even begin to guess at where he could be. 

At about 2 p.m., I decided to go past the gym, then maybe visit Steven's office on the off chance that Steven might know where he was. 

* * *

After scanning the parking lot at the gym and not seeing Jim's truck, I went to Steven's office. He had his secretary let me in immediately. 

"Steven, Jim and I had a fight, and now I can't find him. Do you know where he went?" I saided quickly. 

"Is this about the situation we discussed yesterday?" he said quietly, glancing over my shoulder. 

I turned and saw that his secretary had left the door cracked about an inch. "Yes, I told him what I told you, and he exploded," I said quietly. 

"Have you tried his regular haunts?" Steven asked in a business-like tone. 

"He doesn't have many. I thought you might remember something from his childhood." God, he was trying to act like this was just some recalcitrant buyer or contracter for the company. How could he sound so calm? 

"Have you tried Mom's grave?" Steven almost whispered. "He used to go there when Dad was more extreme than usual." 

"No, where is she?" I asked almost as softly, almost cringing as I said it. Could I really go there? I had to. I had to talk to him. 

"Cascade Memorial. Do you know where it is?" 

"Yeah, thanks, Steven." 

* * *

His truck was parked outside the gate. I parked beside his truck and walked in. 

The quiet was like a shroud that muffled the outside world. As I walked, I read the headstones. These were almost new. I walked farther in. 

I almost walked past him. Jim was sitting with his back propped against a headstone at the opposite end of the row. As I got closer, I noticed he was wearing the same clothes he had on yesterday which were wrinkled, and he hadn't shaved. His cheek was bruised, and the cut has scabbed over. He must have spent the night here avoiding me. 

I sat down on the opposite side of the tombstone. We sat there for a long time. It's amazing how peaceful a cemetary is. 

"I'm sorry I said what I said," Jim said quietly. 

I thought my heart would burst with relief. Some of the weight lifted from my shoulders, but not all. I still had to get the whole story from him. "I'm sorry I hit you," I replied with a sigh. 

"I deserved it after what I said." 

I turned around and stared at him. "Jim," I said firmly. He turned to face me. "No one deserves violence. You know that as well as I do. I'm more interested in why you accused me of such a thing." 

He quickly turned from me. "I was jealous. Steven confided in you before ever thinking about telling me he was gay. And then you tell him you're in love with me. You are such good friends, able to confide in each other what you felt uncomfortable in telling me. I was jealous of that." 

I was amazed. In the years I had know Jim almost nothing could get him to confide in another person even me. I had always had to use some sort of guilt. 

"Jim, I've seen him around the clubs since before we met. I already knew he was either gay, bi, or trade, and trade wasn't the most likely choice. And as for me loving you, I had to tell someone, Jim, and Steven could hear it and not judge. I am your best friend as long as you want me to be. I just want you to be happy," I finished in a whisper. I couldn't help it. I was getting choked up. 

I was startled as Jim jumped to his feet and began to pace by his mother's grave side. 

"That's what I don't get! You say you love me, but I can't count the number of times you came home smelling of a woman," Jim almost shouted as he paced. 

I started to laugh. It was a bitter, acrid-tasting laugh. As I slowly got up, I caught a glimpse of Jim through the tears in my eyes. He was staring at me like I was some sort of alien life form. I slowly calmed down enough to talk. 

"Have you ever needed to be held, comforted, Jim?" I said softly. "Have you ever needed to feel like you're loved, Jimmy?" I asked sarcastically. "I'm sorry if you don't understand, but I'm glad you haven't _ever_ felt that way," I bit out bitterly. I turned away from him. "I love you, but I can't have you because you don't love me the way I need you to. I've accepted that. I have to know if you can accept me the way I am." 

I gasped as I felt Jim's arms wrap around me. "I can accept you, Blair. I am your best friend, and ... I do love you," he whispered into my ear. "I've been waiting for an opportunity, a sign, but you began hanging out with Steven. I thought I was losing you," Jim finished with a sigh as he tightened his arms. 

His words ignited a fire in my heart--an angry fire. I violently shrugged out of Jim's embrace, walked forward a few paces, and then turned on him. "How can you say that? You don't know anything about me outside of our _working_ relationship. I'm like a computer to you. You give me a problem, and you expect an answer. Sometimes I wonder if this is how you treated Carolyn," I said in soft, malicious voice. 

"You think it was easy watching you chase women. I HAD TO HAVE SOME DISTANCE," Jim shouted. The word "distance" echoed across the grave yard. 

"How do I know that will change if we get involved? I need someone who is not going to treat me like a doorstop. Sorry, been there done that, have the t-shirt, and _am not_ going back," I said as I started to walk back toward the entrance. 

Jim caught me by the arm and pulled me roughly into an embrace. "I remember every word you've ever said to me. I remember every time you've brushed against me. I remember every time you've done something nice for me." He paused, then went on. "I remember every time you looked at me with hurt in your eyes. I remember every time I kicked myself silently over being rude to you or hurting you. But I couldn't find a way to apologize to you. I guess I was punishing you for going out with all those women." 

I stood there. I didn't put my arms around him, and I didn't try and comfort him, but Jim's words put hope in my heart. 

"Do you promise to apologize from now on when you act that way?" I asked as loudly as I could manage mushed up against his chest. 

"I promise to never act like that again," he said softly. 

"I didn't ask that. Don't make promises you can't keep." I waited. 

He sighed deeply. "I promise to apologize after yelling at you, and I promise to try and drop the not interested act whenever you tell a story." 

I put my arms around him and said, "This might work." Goddess, help us if it doesn't. 

End 


End file.
